Soul of Stone

Unfortunately, she don't know how to use them.  I've been having issues with my astral limbs for years now.  It started with a host of other spiritual issues that I won't get into here, but man, it sucks.  My physical body isn't affected in the least, nor is my mental health.  It's just that sense of "knowing" that's off.

Take my tail, for instance.  When it does show up I can't sense it properly, like parts are sticking out or unformed.  It frequently just does what it wants, which is a real pain when I just want to have it curl up around me for sleep.  Every now and then I'll get the mental sense that it's moving whether I like that or not.  Usually I can get a good sense of the base of it, maybe the gentle sway as I walk, but that's about it.

My wings are even worse.  There's just a blank space on my backside that basically doesn't exist when I try to feel out my body.  The wings themselves are restrained by something.  Each time I look they just curl up, twist around, fold in on themselves, shrink back into my body.  It sounds painful, but it's all just that mind's eye knowing.  I miss them, I really do.  Even just feeling where they connect again would be great.  But, y'know, eff me I guess.

Horns are really in the same boat.  Sometimes I can connect to the one on the left side of my head, but not the right.  (There's a spiritual/energetic blockage there and, dammit, it's a clingy thing.)  For the most part I'm lucky if I can tap into anything at this point.  Most of my head in general, especially on the right side, it just not accessible from an astral point of view.

Oddly enough, title of the post be damned, my legs come easily to me.  It may be that I've been walking like a dinosaur since I was a little kid.  Moving around on tiptoe with my legs adjusted to be about as digitigrade as human limbs can provides the closest physical sensation that I can get.  I suppose my arms and hands would be similar, but there's no drastic difference like with my legs.

In the end, I just want the blockage gone.  I want to know and sense the rest of me again.  Meditation and practicing body awareness is helping reconnect with my physical self, and surely I can take that into the non-physical parts of me as well.  That's my hope, at least.

Today, I suppose, is just one of those days.  As in, a fun "let's play Dodge the Migraine" days.  But, hey, I started it off with a video about dinosaurs, so that's pretty great.

And then I got to thinking about kintypes.  I remember walking with my heels up, toes first, sometimes leaned over like I had a tail (or maybe a chicken with a plunger on its butt).  There are days when I still do this.  My tail feels more real, but my wings feel smaller, less pronounced.  I grew up loving dinosaurs and my attraction to them never stopped.  That way of walking around, tail straight out and body leaning forward? 
It makes me feel like a Tyrannosauroid.  Thing is, while I believe in reincarnation, I've never really felt a past life (not consciously anyway).  Recognizing this feeling is a new thing.  Well, kind of.  I think I've felt it before after watching some Godzilla movies; his roar lights a fire in me.  I'm still getting used to having one kintype, so I'm not sure how I'd handle having several, or even dealing with kinfeels instead of kintypes.  It's a strange new world despite knowing for years that I'm a gargoyle.  I should meditate more, I know, and I am very forgetful with such matters. 

Denying these feelings just screams "unhealthy" to me.  Thing is, I don't know what to do with them yet.  Long-time kin, I'm reaching out for help.  Other than meditation, do you have any other advice or suggestions you wish to share?  I would be most grateful for it.